TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
