I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
