I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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