Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
