Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
