Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
