Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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