your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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