Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
