it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
