Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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