I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
