i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
