Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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