Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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