I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
