Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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