I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
