Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
