U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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