I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
