Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
