I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
