Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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