its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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