closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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