there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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