I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
