Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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