I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
