all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
