47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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