I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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