His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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