Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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