Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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