I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
