i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
