It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
