At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
People in love make me want to vomit
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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