Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is Oprah even human
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
