hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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