my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
