3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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