oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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