I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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