The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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