What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
