True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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