I think i peed on brittanys purse
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
