I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
